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Lets face the facts, bad movies make the good ones better. For my first official ‘Film Stripped: Cinema Exposed’ column, I’d like to champion in what I would call the “Top 5 Worst Movies Ever Made”…okay, so not ever, that’s way too bold. See what made the list!!

--R. L. Shaffer

 

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The Top Five Worst Films Ever Made

Film Stripped I recently looked back at all the movies that I had reviewed from previous jobs and I noticed something; I’m more attuned to writing good reviews. Maybe it’s because the aspiring filmmaker inside me is afraid of being panned by other critics in the future or it’s just that I’m afraid of bashing something that someone might actually like.

In truth, I was just holding back my contempt for the common bad movie because, well, I like bad movies. Not bad movies like “Planet of the Apes” (2001), but movies so bad, they’re funny. I think a bad movie can be funnier than an intentional comedy.

Imagine a film where the acting, dialogue and plot are so bad that it actually brings you to the brink of peeing yourself because of laughter. That’s a true achievement. Anyone can fall down a flight of stairs and be funny doing it, but can one write dialogue so bad that even the most film-illiterate person would say, “What the Hell??”

Lets face the facts, bad movies make the good ones better. With that said, for my first official ‘Film Stripped: Cinema Exposed’ column, I’d like to champion in what I would call the “Top 5 Worst Movies Ever Made”…okay, so not ever, that’s way too bold. These movies are gauged by how funny they are as well as how truly appalling they are.

All these flicks are available on VHS and most can be found on DVD so renting or buying them should be pretty simple. So, (drum roll please) without further ado, the best of the worst:

#5. “Jaws: The Revenge”

This is the mother of all movies about sharks trying to hunt people down and kill them for vengeance. Yes, I know, many monster movies have tread this water (no pun intended) before, but this is truly a fine triumph in the annals of cinema history.

Be shocked by the lame shark, which is aided by the electrical equipment it is carrying (you can see it in virtually every shot). Be amazed by the claymation used during the films climatic battle when the shark eats a plane and celebrates by jumping clear out of the water, all while roaring like a tiger. Be bewildered by Academy Award winning actor Michael Caine, playing the part of Hoagie, no not the sandwich, the person. This is one for the books. Be sure to watch the Academy Awards the next time Michael Caine is nominated. It happens every other year these days so you won’t have to wait long. I’m sure they will mention this stinker.

#4. “Beware! The Blob”

A sequel to “The Blob” had never before been attempted. No one ever thought they could do it and frankly, they shouldn’t have. This film, made in the early 70s (a very groovy time) is easily the most tripped out experience of my life. People think “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls” is trippy. Those people obviously haven’t seen “Beware! The Blob”, and for good reason.

Billed as the film that J.R. shot, “Blob 2” is dreadful from the opening act in which a man goes fishing in his living room (!), to the stunning finale where the hero of the film gets the blob high. Ok, so he doesn’t get the blob high, but he might as well have. Watch this with as many people possible!

#3. "The Swarm"

If Michael Caine doesn’t get picked on for his stunning work on “Jaws: The Revenge”, then he will for this bomb. “The Swarm”, running just under 3 hours, shot in the late 70s, features quite possibly the greatest ensemble of character actors from the 50s, not to mention a swarm of 22 million African killer bees.

The bees actually knock down planes and blow up buildings and cause tripped out bee-hallucinations (i.e. really big bees) to anyone who is stung and survives. I’m not kidding! The cast also refers to the bees as Africans instead of killer bees or just bees. After a while I felt as though I was watching a film about a bunch of racists trying to get the Africans out of Texas. In fact, the line, “We need to get the Africans out of Texas”, is actually featured in the film. I think a little research would have helped this film quite a bit.

#2. "Tiger Heart"

No, it’s not that film with film with Jean-Claude Van Damme though most of his work is worthy of some sort of worst of list, but not mine. This film is far worse than anything Van Damme could have ever made or imagined in the first place, trust me. Sadly, this is also the hardest title to find on my list. About midway through the film I asked my friend when he thought the movie was made. His response: 1988.

The film was actually shot in 1996, but it is quite possibly the most antiquated film in the chronicles of the moving picture. It actually looks like the filmmakers went back in time to the 1980s and shot this film, and then released it in 1996. The best part about the film though is the climatic battle sequence in which you actually see people waiting in line to fight the hero while others simply run around in circles. Who are they running from? I have no idea. Try to find this film, even if you have to order it from Canada. That’s what I did. It is well worth it.

And finally, the absolute best of the worst...

#1. "Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky"

Do you remember the old “Daily Show” back when Craig Kilborn hosted? He had that five questions bit and before that bit began there was a cue card with a guy smashing the head of another guy. That was from this movie. Don’t just rent this movie, buy it and if you have a region free DVD player, get the region 2 special edition!

It is the worst of ALL movies. I have searched long and wide for a film that can top the level of laughs one can get while watching this film. Now it is gory, but it’s the kind of gore that even a person with the weakest stomach could enjoy mainly because its so horribly executed. This film has it all; a bad plot, bad acting, writing and production design. This is without a doubt, the most remarkable accomplishment in the history of schlock filmmaking. See it, show it to as many friends as humanly possible and help this film achieve the cult status is so rightly deserves.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, where is “Tarzan the Ape Man” (1981), “Battlefield Earth”, “Troll 2”, “Future War”, “Manos: The Hands of Fate”, “The Matrix Reloaded” and “Showgirls”? Well folks, they all just made my honorable mentions list, thanks to you, well not “The Matrix Reloaded”. I added that to get a rise out of you.

As I’m sure my quest for worst film ever has not yet been completed, if you have any other films that you think I should check out, be sure to email me and let me know. I know that I said that this list was the definitive list, but hey, nothing is really definitive these days and with the path Hollywood is headed down. I’m certain to be adding more to this list as time goes on.

rlshaffer@dvdfuture.com

----R. L. Shaffer